There are a lot of great posts out there about giving and receiving criticism, and I’d like to add my proverbial “two cents” worth to the conversation…  I’d like to address what some people call “telling it like it is.”

Many people value an up front, honest criticism, myself included.  I really appreciate when someone I admire or respect gives me feedback that is relatively objective and isn’t insulting.  I’m also a fan of the “Kiss-Kick-Kiss” method for longer critiques and reviews: compliment, criticize, compliment.

What I don’t appreciate is when someone is insulting or downright mean in their critiques and then try to frame their statements as “telling it like it is.”  If a student in my classes has lazy arms, I’m not going to tell her that her arms “look like shit.”  That demeans the student and creates an uncomfortable learning environment.  I will, however, tell her what she should do with her arms: “Your elbows are a bit low, and your fingers are limp – extend through the fingers and lift the elbows, and that will look much better”  The second statement is also “telling it like it is”.  Sure, the students’ arms might need work, so what about them needs work?  Saying that they “look like shit” doesn’t help. The student’s arms were lazy, so what about them can be changed to make them look better?  I don’t need to tell my student about her arms in a way that might make her feel demeaned, hurt, or belittled.  For me, the classroom should be a place where students feel safe, where they can feel that they can learn and grow to their greatest potential.  It is not a place for hurtful language or actions.  This doesn’t mean that I don’t expect my students to work hard and correct themselves when I ask them to fix something.  I just expect everyone to be respectful and kind, including myself.

Sometimes teachers hide behind the idea that they are “telling it like it is” when they use what could be construed as hurtful language in their classrooms.  I think this is a lame excuse for not being able to frame their crititques in a constructive manner.  Teachers who hide behind downright mean statements like, “your arms look like shit” seem to be trying to gain a position of power over their students.  It’s as though they’re saying, “I’m insecure, so I’ll make my students feel less-than so that I can have control and power in the classroom.”  Sure, their students might fix their arms, but they might also feel belittled and shamed in the process.  Shame has no place in a learning environment.

As a subject of excessive teasing and bullying from my classmates as a child, I learned at an early age that if someone is using hurtful language against another, that usually is a reflection of the bully’s own emotional state.  A child from an abusive home will act out against his classmates because he doesn’t know how else to express his pain.  If a teacher is using hurtful language, and then using “telling it like it is” as an excuse to use such language, what hurt or frustrations is she trying to hide?  What is hurting inside her that causes her to treat her students as less-than?

The next time you hear someone making an excuse for hurtful or unnecessarily critical language by saying that they were just “telling it like it is”, ask yourself if there could be a more constructive way of phrasing the criticism or hurtful statement.